TriciAdventures

I have returned from my travels with just a day left in Belfast to re-pack the treasures and memories from this trip before heading home.

I have met lovely people and seen beautiful things over the past 3 weeks of travel. I have taken over 2400 photographs that now need culling and sorting, only about 150 of which are #awkwardselfies. I've had time to process some of the emotions associated with leaving Belfast and returning to the States, a process which I'm sure will continue for some time to come.

I will continue to write here occasionally: I still have half-formed ideas that I'd like to think-through in writing, and my time as a YAV is not quite over. This fall I will travel as a part of the YAV Itineration Team (otherwise known as YAVIT!), spreading the word about this program to Presbyteries, schools and churches around the country.

I'd still love your prayers and support as I begin this next phase. Returning home when so much has changed (for both myself and the people I love back home) is intimidating. I will step off that plane on Wednesday with no job, no car and no real home: many things associated with comfort and success in our society. Of course I trust that the Lord and my amazing community will help me through, but knowing those of you who have been my prayer warriors still have my back is a great comfort. If I've learned anything this year, it is that I have the most amazing support network on the planet!

Until next time, my friends!
Tricia

Ch- ch- changes

Sorry for the long silence - recently it's been that every time I sit down to write, I pull a giant blank. So I've decided to just write through all the weirdness and fill you in on a bit of YAV life to date...

The weather in Belfast has been uncharacteristically gorgeous, so we've all been in a super, sunshine-induced happiness which is awesome after months of cold, grey rain. Hanging just on the periphery, however is the knowledge that our time here is coming to an end. This is bittersweet: on one hand we're all excited to see family and friends, but on the other we're sad to see this year end. I've become so close to this group, the idea of being scattered across the country next year is really hard. We've been taking every opportunity to spend time together, take day trips to places we haven't been yet and soak up everything we can before we go.

Day trip to Derry / Londonderry

Things are wrapping up at work as well. Last week was my final Bible Study and prayer group, today is my last homework club. Mums and Tots and JAFFA end next week. While I'll have other tasks to fill the time, I've often said that this year has been about building relationships, and many of these will come to an end when I'm not at the Vine each week.

Dinner with my Bible Study group

As I prepare to go, people keep asking what I'll do when I get home. The truth is, I have no real clue. At orientation, they warned us that re-entry would be difficult. So I've effectively had a year to worry about fitting back into "my life" when I return. To be fair, I've not been too concerned about it for most of my time here, but as the date of my return flight inches closer, the worry begins to mount.

So now I see the changes that have gone on back home while I've been gone - new relationships, marriages, babies, jobs, houses... and I'm afraid that the "home" I'm sick for doesn't exist anymore. Self-reflection is hard - and while I've not seen myself change, I've been told by others that they've seen a change in me. It's weird to think you don't even know yourself anymore.

So yes, there are lots of thoughts floating around in my head, and I'm not really always sure how to feel about them, much less express them. So for now, please just be patient with me while I try to figure it out!

Greetings from sunny Belfast!

2:02 / 7:02

written half-asleep on the plane, but had to wait for an internet connection to post:

It is late.

Or early, rather. We are somewhere over the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, and the sun is beginning to glow red over the horizon in front of me. The sky is still dark, other than the glowing band at the horizon, and stars are visible. Tiny little pinpricks in the sky.

Everyone on the plane is asleep, it seems, giving me a moment of peace amid the chaos of last week's orientation, which I fully expect to be continued into this week.

Anna just woke up, and I'm glad to share this moment with my flatmate before she turns her attention back to the glowing screen on the back of the seat in front of her.

There is so much to process. I don't think I'll be able to do it justice for some time to come. The fact that I will be arriving in Belfast in 2 hours is at once entirely frightening and so, so exciting. They've prepared us for culture shock. For the initial honeymoon phase followed by an inexplicable crash. Please be patient with me.

My placement coordinator, Lesley, has been in touch - excited to begin our year, but cautioning of wet weather and a heavy workload. On a side note: I love that my coordinators are named Lesley and Doug. Just 2 letters separate these from my parents' names. Somehow there is comfort there.

Such anticipation before we land. As my friends post pictures of their children's first days at school, I feel much like this is my new beginning. An excuse for new office supplies in a way (isn't that the best part of the first day at school?) I'm nervous. Will my new teachers like me? Will I succeed? But also excited for the failure I know I will experience, for it is there that I will find God.

I posted on facebook that this year, I will try my best to do good. When I can't do that, I will "be" good. While non-YAV's all took this as a half-hearted promise to stay out of pubs (ha!), my true meaning in this was that I will try my best and work hard in my placement. But when I can't "achieve" anything, or when times get tough, I will do my best to be. To be present for the kids I will serve. To be a good friend and flatmate. The YAV program is a ministry of presence, first and foremost, and this year I will do my best to be. Good.

Now David is awake. I'm happy to share this moment with my new friends.

Clumsy

Anyone who has ever met me can testify to the fact that I am not exactly graceful.

Yes, I'm the girl who got a concussion playing ultimate frisbee, broke her nose playing sharks and minnows, sprained her ankle on a first date. The girl who was actually referred to physical therapy for being accident-prone.

But for once, it's not that type of "clumsy" that I'm talking about. The type of clumsy I mean is referred to in Exodus, chapter 4:

But Moses pleaded with the LORD, "O Lord, I'm just not a good speaker. I never have been, and I'm not now, even after you have spoken to me. I'm clumsy with words."

Exodus 4:10

This passage comes soon after Moses' call in the wilderness (pop over to my flat-mate Anna's blog for the particularly insightful discussion of Exodus 3 which inspired this post). While I don't have Moses' stutter, it is difficult for me to share my faith with a crowd (remember that post about avoiding seminary?). I always feel that things come out wrong or I'll say something stupid - so I avoid it. My cousin's wife kindly asked me to read a blessing at their wedding last month, and I was touched. But when I realized she meant pray, spontaneously, in front of hundreds of guests... I panicked.

So, I get what you must be thinking: "this girl has essentially signed up to be a missionary for a year, and praying in front of people gives her palpitations. She must be cuckoo for cocoa puffs." (Your inner monologue is so sassy, Reader!)

I know that for the most part, I've kept the tone of this blog light and focused on my preparations and excitement for the adventure I'm embarking upon. But while I've always felt this year as a Young Adult Volunteer has been the response to an unmistakable calling, it's easier to get caught up in the details of the trip itself than to face my very real fears about what will happen when I get to Belfast.

In my previous work with youth, my greatest concerns have been relatively trivial: Will we have enough food at youth group? Would the kids rather play laser tag or go rollerskating? The youth I've had the pleasure of spending time with for the past 7 years have been for the most part happy, privileged and well-adjusted. I don't know how I will be able to reach kids with such a vastly different upbringing.

Together, the Northern Ireland team will be learning to understand and interpret another culture.  It's intimidating to know that I still have so much to learn about the community I'll be living in, but we are tasked with bringing an outside perspective to the communities in which we serve. I know that my mission is a ministry of presence - to be there for these kids and make them feel loved and special. But even though I consider it a special gift to love people, that doesn't mean that I know what I'm doing - I have constant fears of inadequacy and failure. I wonder if I can really do anything to make their lives better.

For those wondering, I eventually flustered my way through the prayer at my cousin's wedding with only two or three "ums" (yes, someone counted for me). I let it go to God, and while I still have no idea what I actually said, I survived the experience. People actually came up and complimented me later... I will pretend it was because I said something meaningful, and not that they saw me break into tears as soon as it was over. I figure that with this coming adventure, that's all I can do: put it in God's hands and hope I don't make a fool of myself!